Love, Compassion and Thanksgiving

I got lost somewhere, in the day to day banality of the COVID lifestyle and the rush and excitement of the traveling and things that I have done in the midst of it where I lost sight of my blog. I have so many things to say, but today, as we are coming up on Thanksgiving, I want to talk about something that has always made me happier, more grateful, and feel more valued.

Some people have such a knack for talking about the charitable work they do and it comes across as ambassadorship and encouragement. Others sound pompous and self-congratulatory. I fear the latter so I don\’t often share the details of the charitable work or giving that I do, but rather do it in silence because I do not want praise for what I believe is my Christian duty.

However, I like to shed light on the organizations that I have put my trust in, that I believe are doing incredible good, to be a witness not only for them but the people they are helping. Very little that I have ever done has blessed me back in the way that giving back to others has. The two organizations I am thinking about today are Project Love Love and Compassion International.

I have always believed charity should begin at home. We need to – as individuals and not by government mandates! – look after our families and our communities. When our communities suffer it affects us all, and when it thrives is benefits us all and is a reflection of our love. That is why I am so proud of my dear friend Lisa and her non-profit organization Love Love. Supporting this organization, which benefits those in need right here in Fort Worth, has been incredibly rewarding to me. I recently served with Lisa and her volunteers in Fort Worth and as it always is when doing this type of work it was so humbling and gives us so much cause to realize all that we have. Moreover, it gives us such a sense of compassion for our fellow humans – because I, too, am but one moment of adversity, one bad decision, one causality of a bad economy away from being in absolute need myself. But for the grace of God, and not of my own merit in any way, go I.

I have gotten to know Lisa at various functions and now moreso through our mutual fitness journey, but it is seeing her lead and serve through Love Love that just makes me fall in love with her as a person. Watching her work and speak with people, she is the manifestation of love. She is kind. She is humble. She is extremely faithful in her stewardship and what she is being called to do. Supporting her organization makes me thankful and happy and reflective and humbled all at once. I am thankful for all that I have when I see those in need, but even more, I am thankful for the love that we can give and show and get by serving others. 

The other organization that has been on my mind is Compassion International. Almost exactly twelve years ago I got involved in child sponsorship through this organization when I sponsored a little 5-year-old boy named Sebastian. That little boy is nearly a grown man now, and over the years I have seen his maturity through his letters, I have seen his needs change, I have seen his thankfulness, I have seen his appreciation for life. I not only sponsor him but also another boy named Napoleon who is also now 17 years old and a new, recent sponsorship of a little girl named Maame. These children throughout the world that live in poverty are at such terrible risk. So many of them meet tragic ends or they go through life with no skill, no hope and simply perpetuate their misfortune on another generation. Compassion not only gives tangible aid, but it gives hope, it gives love, it builds something brighter to break these children free. 

This was on my mind because I just received new pictures of Sebastian and was amazed by how much he has grown. The tiny little boy with the giant childish handwriting is gone and here is a nearly grown man. With a purpose and with hope. And if anything I\’ve done, any words I\’ve written, any support I have provided has played a role in that then it is me who is blessed beyond what words can describe.

1000 Days From Today

 In 1000 days from today, I will turn 40 years old.

I mark the 1000 days because of the Day Zero project goals I always set which are \”101 Things to do in 10001 Days\” and just how fast those 1001 days always seem to fly by! How much your life can change in 1001 days, especially for the good if you put in the effort.

I am not sure how I should feel – there is always so much drama around turning 40. But I feel challenged, intrigued, and totally empowered that I will reach 40 in the best possible shape of my life, in a good situation, ready to dominate my forties with the same enthusiasm and determination in which I have so far conquered my thirties.

It also causes me to reflect on how great my thirties have been, and how despite how great my twenties were, my thirties were better. If the trend continues, my forties will be amazing.

Age is just a number, and that is not just a cliche. It is truly just the anniversary of how many physical revolutions your body has made around the sun. Who we are, how we live, how we give back to this world and make the most of each day has nothing to do with age.

I have known people at 20 who were not \”young at heart.\” And I have known people at 70 who has as much youth and liveliness as anyone. I think back to some women I met when I was in my early twenties and they were in their early forties. Some of them seemed so energetic and put together, women who really had it figured out. And some, by their early forties, were truly already old ladies.

I entered my thirties with excitement. It wasn\’t that I finally had myself figured out. On the one hand, I had myself figured out long before adulthood. On the other, I will never have myself full figured out because I will never stop growing. It wasn\’t that. It was that when I reached thirty, I had the credibility to match my confidence, I had the resources to match my enthusiasm. I had a lot of struggles in my twenties, with immigration, infertility, financial limitations and so on. By thirty, I had overcome those struggles. I entered my thirties with so much hope and excitement.

And my thirties have of course brought challenges as well. I lost my dad in my early thirties. I have lost important friendships. I sacrificed so much of my time for the first half of my thirties getting my degrees. But I have a career that I love – in fact, I love it so much that calling it a career sounds pompous as hell to me. I have a fun job. I have a job that pays me really well to be absolutely myself all day long, and gives me incredible flexibility. Career sounds far too somber for how much fun I have in my workday. 

And here I am, at 37 years old and I am in the best shape of my life, in the best health of my life. I have put in the effort and literally reversed all signs and symptoms of my PCOS. I am debt free (other than my mortgage), I am educated, happy, financial stable and have so much independence in my life.

If you had asked me when I was 20 what I thought 37 would look like, it would not be anywhere close to what it is for me. Where I am is so much better than I imagined. So much better for me. And it hasn\’t been by accident. I wake up every single morning excited about what the day will bring. I have so much hope, and rarely does that hope get let down. When you reach out to embrace life, it generally embraces you back.

I think of some women I know, some that I know are reading this, that have gone before me into their forties and fifties, setting a brilliant example of everything I want to be as I \”grow up.\” They are lively, compassionate, fun loving women that don\’t just live their own best life – they make everyone\’s life around them better just by being a part of it.

I hope the next 1000 days set me up to end my thirties on a high note, and begin my forties how I hope to do so: fit, happy, energetic. Ready to give my best to each day and to the world.

How My Traditional Father Raised A Strong, Modern Daughter

When I was six years old my dad started teaching me how to play chess. He had this really large, vintage chess set which I have since inherited. We would play fairly regularly, but my dad never let me win. He gave me a book to read to learn to play chess, an adult\’s guide on chess. And I read it. I would organize pieces on the board as I read to mimic different moves and strategies that I saw in the book.We would play and I would lose but I kept learning. And eventually, finally, one day I won. Not the hollow victory of him letting me win, but I really won.

And that day, I learned a little about earning respect.
My dad was a bit older than some of my friends\’ parents were. My dad was born in 1946, and his parents were older when they had him – they were born in 1904 and 1905. My dad was raised by an extremely old fashioned, French Canadian woman. And my dad was the baby of the family. I think it\’s safe to say my dad was catered to growing up.
My dad held a lot of very traditional views, many of which I share but others that I found grossly antiquated. I laugh now thinking back to some of the things I am shocked he had the audacity to say! My dad held ideals about women that were no doubt shaped by the traditional love and care he received from his mother.
My dad liked dainty blonde women. The Michelle Pfeiffer types. My mom fits this type. My dad was a fussy eater and liked to have his culinary preferences – which were pretty basic – catered to. In this he was also lucky, because my mom went to cooking school for four years. My dad for sure wanted an equal, capable partner, which my mom absolutely was, but he also wanted to be the one casting the larger shadow (and he did this and I will save this for a different post someday, but we are kidding ourselves if we don\’t recognize that my mom casts a pretty formidable shadow herself).
In so much of this, I am not what my dad would have called \”ideal.\” There\’s nothing dainty or domestic about me and while I am agreeable, I am not the type to cater to anything. I suspect I am not at all like his mother. But if I am the way I am, it\’s because my dad taught me to be this way!
My dad was known for what I will call lengthy pontifications – avoiding carefully here the word \”lectures!\” During these times, he would illustrate how different choices he made, and his different expectations and standards, helped make him who he was. He never accepted what he was told without validating it. He treated all people with respect and expected that in return. He valued an outspoken opinion, civil disobedience, speaking up for justice and doing what is right. My dad would voice a controversial or unpopular opinion without hesitation. He was always unapologetically himself.
A man of his time, my dad was confident and forceful, a dominant presence, proud of his masculinity. And yet there were many occasions over the years as I interacted with my dad where he would look at me with this mixture of annoyance and astonishment at some of the things I would say, as if – how can this be my daughter?! To which I would quickly always remind him, \”I\’m just like you.\”
So much of how I approach life is exactly like how I learned to play chess with my dad. I study. I seek advice. I learn. I make myself an expert. And then I proceed to dominate at what I aim to do. And I thank my dad for never taking it too easy on me. Yes, he was there to comfort me when I struggled. And no man on earth had the compassion of my dad. But he had expectations. I can recall standing before him in trepidation when I knew I had done something disappointing, but I can recall equally well standing before him with that joy you have when your dad is extremely proud of you.
I have not had the life that my dad had, or that he might have wished for me. I am not bound by many of the same traditions, I am not a mother, I am not especially demure. But I think if I could stand before my dad today, he would be extremely proud of me, proud of my independence, my accomplishments and my confidence. And he should be proud, because in so many ways I am just like him.

Where It All Began

I recently started sharing my poetry on social media. This is something I have long resisted for several reasons, one of which is the very prosaic reality of plagiarism and the fear of having my work stolen. Beyond that, I have a deep sense of \”impostor syndrome.\” Regardless of the fact that I started writing poetry over 25 years ago, and that I have written nearly 700 poems, and that I am well educated in the sphere of classical poetry, I feel that I do not belong. In a world where modern poetry can be dark and disjointed, mine is often light and hopeful. It is a ridiculous feeling to feel like a fraud in a community where I should be viewed as competent but I have always shied away from calling myself a poet.

However, I want to share where it all began, something maybe most people don\’t know. When I was ten years old, my mom gave me a copy of Anne of Green Gables. To this point, I was not much of a reader. I have a mild form of dyslexia which made reading tedious for me. I did not see the value in laboring over a book when I could play outside.

However, in Anne I discovered so much of myself as a child, and that discovery continues every time I pick up that book. Anne, in my extremely humbled but very expert opinion, is the single most captivating fictional character ever brought to life by words. She has a tendency toward trouble, but a completely pure heart. A hopeless romantic but in a constant battle to be practical, educated and competent. Faithful in love, petulant in spite – she is colorful and lovable and as human as if she was a real person. And it was because of Anne that I fell in love with poetry.

Anne loved Tennyson and there I was at 10 years old, becoming enthralled with him too. Anne pretty much think and spoke in poetic verses. Her creator, L.M. Montgomery was also a notable poet with a love of poetry, and so the influence over me grew. It was because of these books that I decided at that young age that I wanted to grow up to be a writer. I wanted at least one person, maybe one little girl somewhere out there, to say that I was her favorite writer. Anne of Green Gables made me fall in love with words.

Fast forward a few years and I was also writing poetry, and reading as much as I could. I\’ve read more poetry than I could ever possibly recall. In my mid-teens I had notebooks full of poems, some of which I can still read to this day and see the little spouts of potential in my ability to articulate a feeling or thought.

I can remember exactly where I was sitting the first time I heard \”If\” by Kipling recited. I had never read it, and listening to it being read, I felt that tingle all over me. I was enchanted. By the time I heard and read it, I was old enough for the meaning to really resonate with me. To this day, whether I receive a compliment or criticism I always hear these words in my head: \”if you can meet with triumph and disaster, and treat those two impostors just the same.\” 

And so when, a few years ago, I published my first two books of poetry I was so hopeful that even one line might hit one person the way poetry had always impacted me, that I could change a perspective or a life. And that desire persists.

Poetry is my outlet. I am not an emotionally expressive person by nature, but that does not mean that I do not have feelings. And it does not mean that I cannot appreciate the deep feelings and experiences of others. Poetry is where I can exercise that expression, where I can demonstrate and express my empathy. It is where I can express my feelings, depict my ideals and give an outlet to my feelings that I somehow cannot speak into words sometimes.

I have created an Instagram to share my poetry, both new and old, and if you are interested you can follow me there @amballard.

And it\’s funny (to me at least!) to think that my very modern Instagram with my poetry on display was wholly inspired by a fictional character first brought to life over 100 years ago in Anne of Green Gables. 

I\'m Not Anti-Mask, I Am Anti-Government

We are going to have to make some assumptions regarding my next statements because I am not sure anyone knows what is valid or true, or to what extent, when it comes to the COVID-19 virus.

Presumably, this virus is transmitted through droplets, like many viruses, and can enter the body through the nose, mouth, eyes, etc. It is possible that it exists on surfaces, but evidence varies on for how long. Exposure to these droplets or contaminated surfaces could cause infection, leading to illness from the virus.
Hence, many cities, counties and states are requiring people to wear a mask while in public places. In Texas, in all counties with more than 20 confirmed cases, people are required to wear a mask.
The efficacy of masks is debated but here is the common understanding. My mask protects you, your mask protects me. If I am unmasked, and you are masked, and I walk past you and sneeze, those droplets then can enter your body – even if the mask is 100% effective – through your eyes or ears, etc. In reverse, if I pass you while I am masked, and you stop to speak to me, droplets in your spittle could then enter my body through my eyes, or those droplets could reach my hand or some surface, which I later touch, get contaminated with and, as I am wont to do, adjust my contact lens and bam, now I am infected.
So, it is not that I disagree with masks. Some evidence exists that masking has prevented the spread of flus and other viruses in other countries. Similar to \”cover your mouth when you cough,\” the mask does not 100% stop the spread of germs but it prevents some of it.
There is conflicting evidence over how contagious COVID-19 is as well. I know people who have lived with someone who had it and did not become infected themselves. While Texas has a seemingly enormous number of cases in terms of raw numbers, percentage wise compared to the population, the infection rate is still pretty low, and the death rate lower.
People have become incredibly sick and some have died, and to the families and communities with those losses, it is heartbreaking. And I am sure it is, for those people, very offensive to see others dismiss this virus as nothing to worry about. On the other hand, if you look at year over year fatalities due to the seasonal flu, you will see that every single year we lose quite a lot of people in this country to that virus. Unfortunately, some people cannot fight the virus. Some people have compromised immunity, and must take additional precautions. I will say this, if I had an underlying issue that made this very dangerous,I would not trust masking. I would stay home.
But my issue is not with the masks. It is not with how potent this virus is and it\’s not that I dismiss the fact that some people become critically or even fatally ill.
My issue is that the government has no right to force this upon me.
Private businesses, yes. If a business wants to require a mask, then that is their choice. If my friend wants to tell me they won\’t let me socialize with them without a mask, then that is their right. And in both cases, I can choose to either comply or not participate. But the government forcing masks and then fining us if we violate those rules – that is excessive.
It is especially excessive when there is no solid evidence to lean on. How contagious is this virus really? Considering the vast majority will have a mild version of it, and the likelihood of death remains extremely low, should we be shutting down the economy or forcing masks? And to what end? To wait for a vaccine that some experts say will never come because they have been trying to create a SARS vaccine for years with no success due to the mutations the virus takes? And evidence is mounting that immunity does not last for those who had been infected. So will a vaccine even work?
I still go to the gym. There have been two positive cases present in my gym while I was there, and I still go. My gym mandates masks during all times except while actively exercising, and I still go. In every case here, I am freely making a choice about my behavior. This should be between me and the gym, not a government mandate.
And I keep asking myself (and others) to what end? This will not be soon resolved. In the meantime, evidence mounts that people are missing critical medical care because of this virus, missing dialysis, cardiologist appointments, appointments with therapists, etc because of fear of exposure. There is evidence that people are giving way to their addictions and depression, that stress and anxiety is up and so are heart attacks and strokes. The cost of COVID-19 is not just measured in cases of illness and death from that virus, but what prevention has done to other areas of our health and our economy, our freedom and our way of life.
I just feel like the constitution of the United States precludes this vast overreach by the government. It has nothing at all to do with the mask itself. If the government can use a public health issue to mandate us and take our rights then none of our rights are ever going to be safe.

Learning to Rest

Learning to rest. I think this is a valuable lesson to learn no matter what your pursuit. This benefited while getting my degrees, during my career, in fitness – in really anything I have done that required intense perseverance.

For me, a perfectionist in many ways, I struggled with this for a time. I can pursue a goal relentlessly to the point where I chase that perfect momentum and refuse to break. This is a recipe for burnout.
A perfect example for me was being in grad school when my dad passed away. He died on December 26th and I was due to start my next class on January 9th. I found I did not have the focus or the energy by then to pick right back up. So I took 8 weeks off and then went back. When I resumed classes, I felt energized and a lot more confident that I could manage the pace.
I did have a little trepidation that a break would lead to me just quitting altogether, but that didn\’t happen. I got my rest, and then returned to my goals with renewed vigor and was able to push through to the end without issue.
I failed at this once back in 2010. I developed bursitis in my right hip from excessive activity (I blame cardio dance classes, those were so fun!). I saw a doctor and he told me to rest. I scoffed at this and would ice my hip and take ibuprofen but continued to workout aggressively. Eight months later – yes, eight – I was still struggling with bursitis when I came down with the worst sinus infection of my life. Illness caused me to have no choice but to rest for almost 3 weeks. Sure enough, when I was recovered from the sinus infection, my bursitis was also gone. I could have spared myself by taking a week off at the very first.
I have even done similar things in my career. Making moves that are perhaps a departure or a lateral step just to give myself some distance with what can sometimes be an overwhelming monotony. Spending nine months or so changing focus then allows me to return to the mayhem with better results.
I am extremely disciplined now in my fitness routine, but that also includes rest days. I focus on proper sleep and intentional rest. This allows me to not only carry my momentum but usually gain momentum.
I think my younger self struggled with what a lot of people have issue with – the fear that rest will turn into giving up. That two days off will turn into 2 years. And sadly, for a lot of people it does. This is why we need to work on our mindsets. We cannot get overly hamstrung by our routines. Excessive rigidity that way become\’s a rabbit\’s foot, a superstition that we cling to and it is a manifestation that our mindset isn\’t progressing along with our goals.
Last month, I felt under the weather for 4 days. A heightened level of concern due to COVID and my recent gallivanting, I was worried. I rested for those four days in a row. Note, the month before I only took 3 total rest days, so I was not pleased to take four days in a row. But I rested, monitored my symptoms and once I started back I felt right back to my old self after two workouts. I was glad my mindset had developed enough to willingly accept my need to rest without beating myself up about it. I didn\’t worry I would quit or regress. I just rested, took care of myself, and came back renewed.
We have to pursue our goals with passion and perseverance. But our success is much more likely if we achieve it with balance. Our bodies and our spirits need rest, and that is not a bad thing!

But She Was So Young!

I refer back, as always, to an episode of Frasier where due to a mix up at the hospital, it is briefly reported that he has died. Frasier is in shock as he sees his death reported on the news. It causes him to reflect on all of the things he has never done in his life, and people begin reminding him that not only is he not dead, he is still so young and can achieve all his goals still.

I was chatting with my sister this weekend about my upcoming birthday – I turn 37 next week. I said it is hard to believe I am 37 when in fact I feel about 15 most of the time (minus the arthritis and acid reflux!). She mentioned Marilyn Monroe and I said, \”Wow, I will be older than she ever was.\”
My sister\’s response was, \”In that case, you\’ve had such a short life!\”
That is how we talk about Marilyn Monroe and others like her that pass away far too young. We always say, \”Oh no, she was so young!\” So much life left, so much left undone.
I feel like I am getting to the point where many people my age – especially women – lament by saying, \”I feel so old\” or \”I am getting so old.\” And it sounds very ridiculous when you consider what people would say if we died at this point!
I\’d like to think I could write a book around the experiences I have had so far. But I know for sure the bigger book would be everything I have not done yet. In so many ways, I feel like I am just getting started.
Middle age is around the corner, but why is that alarming? Does it change how I look today? How I feel right now? How I view myself or my attitude about life? No. And the truth is that we don\’t know, any of us, how long we will have. We have today, and I am not going to waste today feeling old, feeling spent or feeling like the best is all behind me. I refuse to live that way.
I think about Marilyn Monroe, who lived a far harsher life than I have so far, and how when we look back on her beauty and her legacy we think, \”but she was so young!\” And so am I!

Sleep as a Discipline

When it comes to health and wellness I think sleep is highly underrated. Not just for physical wellness but almost even more so for mental health. When I hear people say things like, \”Oh, I can totally function on only four hours of sleep\” I roll my eyes exactly the same as the idiots who say, \”Oh, no I totally drive better when I am drunk.\”

Why is sleep important? Well, I am not a medical expert but the clinical studies exist that demonstrate that sleep is important for memory and productivity, fitness and athletic recovery, managing appetite, improving social and emotional intelligence, reducing diseases associated with inflammation, improving mental health and decreasing the risk of depression – and the list could go on.

My mission here is not to convince you that sleep is important because hopefully you already recognize that it is. I am here to share some tips on becoming a disciplined sleeper so that you can reap the benefits of a healthy sleep routine.

The main thing is essentially having a routine. I sleep at the same time everyday regardless of the day of the week. I don\’t get fooled into thinking I \”must stay up and finish this\” because I know I can always finish tomorrow. On Friday and Saturday nights I still aim to go to bed close to my normal bedtime as it keeps my body in rhythm. This takes some discipline but it is well worth it if you want your body clock to stay in sync. I never need an alarm to wake up because I naturally wake up at 5am every morning.

Another thing that has helped me significantly over the last ten years is removing food and television from the bedroom. There is never for any reason any food permitted in my bedroom. I believe that keeping the bedroom and the bed itself associated to sleeping (and one could argue for sex here for the same reasons, just saying!), helps the mind and body adjust itself to what you are doing when you lay down to sleep. There are no delays or distractions. You get into bed, lay down and go to sleep. Truthfully, I don\’t even read in my bed. I read in the living room in the evening and then when I am ready I go to bed.

People make fun of me because I eat my dinner very early. Usually, I am done eating dinner by 6pm. However, because my preferred bedtime is 10pm, this gives my body 4 hours to digest and settle back down so I am not plagued with discomfort both in my sleep and when I wake up the next day. I have found this to make a huge difference as well.

I know it is not for everyone, but I found sleeping with my Fitbit on and monitoring the data output everyday really helped me to recognize patterns that were issues to me getting a better sleep. When I first got my Fitbit I believe I was averaging close to 30 minutes to fall asleep. Now, it is literally less than 3 minutes. It has gotten to where even if I want to lay down to \”think something over\” I cannot. My body is so disciplined now to sleep when I lay down that I have no time for horizontal reflections. If I need to think, I had better be sitting up! My Fitbit also gives me reminders like, \”You exercised within two hours of bedtime last night, which may have affected your sleep quality.\”

I have also started some new things this year that have tremendously helped my ability to sleep soundly all through the night:

CBD – I began taking oral CBD (THC free) supplements back in February and my Fitbit data shows an improvement in my sleep score as a result. Even when my hours of sleep are low or average, the quality of my sleep is high and I wake up more rested. This excellent quality of sleep then allows me to be more focused during the day, recover better from my workouts and I am also just a lot more mellow in general.

Weighted Blanket – I recently started sleeping under a 15 pound weighted blanket. I had heard such good things, even from my sisters, and even though I didn\’t fully understand it I got one. I sleep SO well under this thing! It really is amazing. It\’s like being smothered with comfort. I find I move less in my sleep, and my Fitbit data shows far less restless moments since I started sleeping underneath it. Also, even in Texas, I have not found the blanket to be overly hot yet.

Once you get into a good sleep routine you realize how important it is for your well being. When I have a few bad nights in a row I can see it in my skin, my eyes, my workouts suffer, my resting heart rate shoots up, I find I cannot control my hunger, I find I get super anxious about things that normally don\’t bother me, and the list goes on and on.

Sleep well! Not in excess and not out of laziness, but sleep purposefully to allow your mind and body to recover properly each day. It is probably some of the best self care you can possibly do for yourself!

Being Real With Mom

As it is Mother\’s Day, I am reminded of a funny Frasier moment (of course!) where Frasier walks in on Roz while she talks to her mother on the phone. She is candidly discussing her sex life and then as she hangs up she says, \”okay, bye Mom!\” Frasier is shocked that Roz would be so candid with her mother, and then turns jealous when he realizes his relationship with his father lacks that same authenticity and openness.

I am grateful that I have a candid relationship with my mom. Not long ago, someone responded in surprise when they realized my mom follows me on Instagram and can see all my posts (which implies they are more shocking than they are!). Of course my mom can see my posts. She\’s a grown woman, and not only that but a hippie from way back. Pretty sure I cannot shock her!

But truthfully, it\’s ridiculous to feel like I need to make my mom think I am some perfect, angelic kid like I tried to do when I was twelve. I am almost thirty-seven years old. I hope I\’m mature enough to not feel like I have to keep stuff from my mom.

That is, I don\’t share every single detail of my life with anyone. There are things that remain private to myself. There are things that remain confidential within individual relationships. But as far as details about my life that I would share with a girlfriend, I am not super worried about sharing those with my mom, either.

In fact, and while I still afford her the respect she is owed as my parent, I have a great friendship with my mom that has been forged through the many phases or our relationship. It\’s true, I did not feel this candid with her when I was fifteen (though she\’d be surprised and please to know I was a lot more candid with her than she thought I was being!). But we no longer have the same dynamic we did when I was fifteen. Back then, she was trying to ensure I grew up decently and with an eye on my potential as a person. Now, we mutually share in one another\’s joys, successes and sorrows, providing advice when asked, relating like two grown women.

This is not to say my mom is thrilled with every single behavior of mine. I know sometimes she rolls her eyes at me! But even then, my mom and I respect one another enough as adults to let each other just be who we are. We are in different phases or life, and in fact, we are living very non-parallel lives in some ways. When my mom was my age, she had to provide for four children and a husband. I will never relate to that phase of her life and she probably can\’t imagine being in her late thirties with as much freedom and lack of responsibility as I have. And now, she is enjoying her adult children, watching her grandchildren grow up, enjoying life and financial freedom in a way she couldn\’t when she was younger – and when I reach the age she is now, I will still not comprehend her life as it is now.

And that is the joy of our mothers. They raise us and sacrifice for us and put up with so much when we are young, but if that is done well, when we are grown they can be our friends, our confidants, and someone we are happy to share life with!

Re-Entering Society

This week, the Governor of Texas (along with many other states) announced that they will honor the April 30th expiration of last month\’s \”stay-at-home\” order – permitting certain businesses to begin reopening with the hope that through several phases, life will return to normal.

As a libertarian, this pleases me. It alarms me the vast overreach the government so easily presumed to take during this crisis. It alarms me how easily Americans handed over their rights. It alarms me how many so-called freedom loving people found ways to justify the government over reach.

As a concerned citizen, I do worry about the health and well-being of myself, my family and everyone else. I read that in Dallas County yesterday\’s death count included a teenager. That is sad and scary. There is certainly a dangerous component to this virus where even young people are at risk.

But people throw around statistics to validate their side of the story. Those fear mongering throw around huge numbers in the tens of thousands of people being killed by this virus. But we must also remember: several weeks ago the government told us that they expected the death toll to exceed 150,000 by this time, and we are under 60,000. In 2017 in the U.S., 80,000 people died of the seasonal flu.

Other people trying to justify taking no precaution at all state that this disease only affects the old, the infirm, or the already weakened. They will cite statistics that are in the tenths of a percentage to demonstrate risk and try to mock those who are concerned.

There is truth on both sides. I think we should be cautious but not paranoid. I think long term isolation and sheltering is doing more harm to society than the benefit we get by reducing the spread of the virus. The truth is, child abuse cases coming out of this are heartbreaking. People are relapsing into addictions, and many people are abusing prescribed medications. People are anxious and stressed, many are depressed being separated from loved ones. Some have lost their businesses and everything they have.

I did in fact test negative on the antibody test for the corona virus. I was disappointed by this, as it means I am at risk just like everyone else. With asthma, that risk is slightly up. However, I have isolated now for seven weeks. What about herd immunity? If I stay home until the risk is completely eradicated it may be months before I go out. And what if this resurfaces next season as experts now predict?

I intend over the next few weeks to slowly and safely return to normal life. I am hoping my gym reopens in the coming weeks. I will get a hair cut as soon as humanly possible. But I will wash my hands, give other people their space, and it\’ll probably be a while before I permit someone to hug me. I want to go out and support local businesses and help people return to normal, but I will do so without shaking their hands.

I don\’t believe it is ever the government\’s place to tell us what we cannot do in a free society. I feel even to make recommendations is sort of an over reach (I don\’t need a nanny!), but if they want to make a suggestion to take precaution that is one thing. To prohibit and go so far as levying fines against people for opening their businesses is a gross abuse of power. People need to use their best judgement and yes, that means some people will die. But we have people dying at pandemic levels across this country everyday from making poor life style choices and the government is doing nothing to prevent that.

I value life. I also value having something to live for.