I read a great quote that said, “Want to know if some people are toxic? Say no and watch how they react.”
Boundaries are important. Growing up I remember my parents having boundaries with us as kids. Things we were, without question, not allowed to do. One was disrespectful behavior toward them.
Setting boundaries with others is critical for numerous reasons. One, it protects our physical space, our emotional space, our time, and our independence. Moreover and more importantly, it sets an expectation of respect. Others will not respect you if you cannot demonstrate self-respect.
Sometimes we get into habits where we allow others to cross boundary lines with us. And especially when this goes on for a length of time, it requires self-discipline to set and reinforce our boundaries. And once set, it often creates a scenario where those we are enforcing a boundary with to begin gaslighting and villainizing us.
It’s simple to begin setting boundaries but that doesn’t make it easy. In difficult, conflict ridden relationships its as simple as saying, “if we cannot communicate with respect then I won’t communicate at all.” With someone who is overbearing and being too nosy in your life its as easy as saying, “I appreciate your interest in my life however I will share details when I’m ready.” The key is being direct and being consistent. Repeat the message until it is clear you are serious. For me, as a non-hugger with people other than my husband and immediate family, I will say, “actually I’m not really comfortable with hugging but I’ll always take a high five.” Set the boundary. And don’t budge.
But frequently, as stated in the quote I started with, when we implement a boundary, those toxic folks in our life throw back their heads and howl. They turn that boundary around on you with accusations and arguments. They try to villainize you.
Even if you’ve never set a boundary, you can change this. You can change it today. You are entitled to grow. It’s also Biblical. Many times the Bible gives us brilliant and simple wisdom about how we interact with others. A humorous truth can be found in Proverbs 25:17.
Boundary setting takes maturity, self-awareness and discipline. It is not the shrill freaking out at people in one of scenarios as they piss you off. It’s a deliberate, across the board, unwavering line you uphold in self-respect.
Set the boundary. Hold the line. Be consistent. And those in your life who cannot respect your boundaries maybe do not deserve that proximity to you.
Anna Farley 