I’ve been married (to my second husband) for about 5 minutes and I’m just overjoyed. He is the dream I didn’t even know I could dream. I love him in a way that makes me feel like my heart will explode.
But we also come into this new relationship with a combined total of 50 years of previous relationship experience from marriages that both failed. Which means, without question, we both carry baggage. We both have had to overcome bad habits, anxieties and insecurities.
While there is an overwhelming sense of tranquility and peace in our home, we have of course had moments since we met of conflict. Apprehension wells up from previous experiences. Anxiety lingers. There is healing to be done, some of which may just take years.
I think marital happiness doesn’t come from lack of conflict, but rather approaching conflict and all other difficulties with respect and love. Learning to be able to fight without dishonoring your spouse. Learning to make your point known in a sentence that can still contain the words “I love you.” And I have finally learned this.
Just like war had rules of engagement, so should conflict in a marriage. Name calling is a no. Silent treatment also a big no. And gossiping about your spouse to third parties (unless it is a mutually agreed party such as a counselor or pastor) is a no. Doing these things creates turmoil that is very hard to reverse.
My husband and I have been through hard things already in our short courtship and marriage. We had hard separations, challenging divorces and it’s hard enough to join two young people free of baggage in compatible matrimony. Take two middle aged people with baggage and it’s even harder!
But we have built a habit of dealing with things quickly and respectfully. I tend to get withdrawn when I am sad but I’m very sensitive to how much my husband dislikes silence. He knows how my brain works in analyzing word choice, he is cautious to choose them carefully.
My pastor said a useful thing recently: when a couple is serving each other, that is a sign of success. When one or both are serving only themselves, it almost always ends in failure.
That’s easy to say when times are good. Even absolute idiots can do the right thing when times are easy. It takes a nature filled with the fruit of the Spirit (to sum it up succinctly) to do the right thing when times are tough. That’s when your character is revealed. That’s when “serving each other” becomes an act of mutual self sacrifice.
I’ve also learned the meaning of “one flesh.” When my husband is sad, I can’t help but also be sad. When he is hurt, I am hurt. Which is very motivating to make amends quickly, because if he is hurting in some way because of me, I’m hurting, too.
We also express to each other frequently in both word and action our tremendous respect for one another. I know without question that he values me deeply, and I understand that at all times.
And that’s really key, love isn’t just a fleeting feeling. It’s an action and if you love someone you act on it, and not just when you feel like it.
My marriage is so loving and so peaceful. I think we’ve both learned from our mistakes, and I’m excited to spend my life with this man!
Anna Farley 