I haven’t shut up since I was about a year old. One might say I’m loquacious. Others might just say I’m annoying. However, you cannot argue, I’m an experienced communicator.
For whatever it’s worth, I also have a master’s degree in business management with a specialization leadership and communication. Not just communication, but strategic communication. Effective communication.
One thing we investigated thoroughly was how assertive communication is always, always, ALWAYS the correct way. Never passive, aggressive or passive aggressive. One way or another those three strategies will either become ineffective, or worse, toxic.
For communication to be truly effective it has to be transparent, direct and respectful of the receiver. And that is basically the definition of assertive communication.
So then why is it we so often resort to the other three?
One example is the silent treatment. This is a common and extremely toxic form of communication. It’s manipulative. It’s disrespectful. It is opaque. I’ve been the victim of this in the past. It forces the party you’re “communicating” with to make assumptions and then make decisions without clarity to your thoughts. It pushes people away. And yet, you often see this especially in marriages. Just the place where communication is most important, people will do the worst thing. It’s wrong, and it’s lazy.
Another you see is sarcastic jabs, wrapping a “message” in a supposed joke. Funny, you see this a lot in marriage, too. Instead of just having a direct conversation about something bothering or hurting you, you couch it in a rude joke. You fling it at the other person when they are least expecting it and maybe in a position where they can make no defense.
I’ve been divorced, so I well know all the ways communication can fail. And even if I’m not the one failing to communicate well, everyone loses when the communication is passive, aggressive or passive aggressive.
And the danger is that poor communication becomes a habit. It becomes the normal cadence of a relationship. It becomes very hard to change. And eventually creates an environment so toxic and damaging that people give up.
Many people get stuck in a toxic cycle of bad communication because it was all they had modeled to them. But the key is knowing that at any time – even in this moment – you can break that cycle. Maybe with a spouse or a family member. Maybe a coworker or a boss. But you can break the cycle. You can be empowered.
I have learned how to do this better. At my house, I will admit “that hurt my feelings.” I will admit “I know that hurt you and I’m sorry.” I will admit “this is what I need from you.” And I will say “I love you and more than being right, I want things to be right with you.”
And we must acknowledge that when we choose not to be effective communicators that we are in the wrong. And that we are at least partly responsible for the outcome of that choice.
Anna Farley 